


Lars's Cornhole Christmas Catastrophe

by Master_of_the_Boot1



Category: Hellsing, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Christmas, M/M, Mindfuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 12:07:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12911595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Master_of_the_Boot1/pseuds/Master_of_the_Boot1
Summary: This year, Lars has been naughty. Actually he's been a real jerk. And because of that, a certain vampire gives him a gift that's way worse than coal.





	Lars's Cornhole Christmas Catastrophe

Lars’s Cornhole Christmas Catastrophe

 

By Master of the Boot

 

Author’s note: This story contains extremely graphic content, sexual violence, people being burned to death and immature jokes. Audience perversion is encouraged.

 

I also own no third party properties and make no profit from this story.

* * *

 

 

 

Lars Barriga was jerking off when he heard his phone ring. Normally he would have ignored this because the porn video was getting to the good part, however this was Sadie’s ringtone and there was a very good chance that Sadie was going to be able to give him sex. So very reluctantly and with much anger, Lars took his hands away from squeezing his dick and answered his phone with sticky hands. “Yeah!” he said in a voice that was angrier than he meant it to be.

 

“Hey, Lars,” said Sadie Miller, Lars’s long suffering girlfriend. “I was wondering if you were good for tonight?”

 

Lars panted and took a drink from the energy drink next to his laptop. “Uh, yeah, sure I’m good,” he wiped the sweat from his brow and glanced at the paused image on the computer screen. He licked his lips and was nearly tempted to hang up on Sadie; but then he remembered that sex was better than five finger shuffle.

 

“Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?” Sadie sounded disappointed and miffed over the phone; more than she usually was.

 

“Uh, sure, I do,” Lars tried to bullshit his way through this conversation. “It was all about the . . . thing tonight. Okay what the hell was going on tonight?”

 

“I asked you if you’d come to Christmas dinner with me and my mom,” she said with her usual sense of trademark defeat and exhaustion. She became more hopeful for a moment, “Mom made your favourite, pizza rolls.”

 

Lars had a real dilemma. If Sadie’s mom was going to be home then there was a reduced chance she’d be comfortable enough to give him sex, but then again the prospect of pizza rolls was very tempting. “Uh, yeah sure I can try and be there, just make sure your mom doesn’t embarrass me.” He scratched the back of his neck.

 

“Yeah, fine,” said Sadie in a very resigned, defeated voice. She hung up and Lars was left nude and reminded about his throbbing boner. Frowning, the boy’s stretched ears flopped about as he sat back at the computer desk. On the computer was a video of a young, slender man being mercilessly pounded by a much larger, harrier man was paused in doggy style. The uncreative title of the video said everything; it wasn’t like Lars watched these things for the story.

 

Lars grinned as he began to start up the video again, his hands going back to squeezing his pickle. His pulse began to quicken and the climax of the video was nearing. He’d seen this video before; he knew where and how the money shot went. Still, there was a problem that was preventing Lars from enjoying his porn video.

 

The young man with stretched ears and stylized Mohawk hair glanced over at the picture of him and Sadie at last year’s Video Game Convention. It was one of their few happy moments, unmarred by couples fighting and a severe inability to communicate or express feelings in a healthy way. Lars knew that he’d fucked up, just forgetting his promise to Sadie like that. He knew that her mom was a big, loud, weird woman who embarrassed them both; but Sadie cared about her a lot. Lars wasn’t nearly kind or thoughtful enough to straight up apologize to Sadie and make it up to her; but he definitely could still show up and kind of save Christmas.

 

The young man shut the laptop. He would spank it to porn later; his boner was already dying from his conflicting and confusing teenager emotions. Throwing on his pants, coat and Jacket, Lars opted to go commando this cold December day in case Sadie gave him a blowjob or something.

 

Winter in Delmarva was crisp, clean and magical. Something in the air was sweet and the winter air felt invigorating. Lars of course hated everything about this day. The cold weather made his metal ear plugs freeze up and the shaved sides of his head were vulnerable to the freezing winds. He fucking hated winter and thought it was shit. Old man winter could suck on his uncut cock for all he cared.

 

It was halfway to Sadie’s house that Lars realized something. “Oh shit!” he cried in these empty streets on the night before the night before Christmas. “My charger!” He cried as he searched the pockets of his jacket and pants. The jacket, embroidered with the logo _The Big Donut_ should have had his phone charger. He reacted with horror as he realized that the power bar on his phone was turning into a red sliver. He had to do something about this!

 

Lucky for Lars, the Big Donut was halfway between his house and Sadie’s house. He could sprint over there, grab the phone charger from the office and be at the Miller house in time for Pizza rolls and a blowjob and/or hand-job.

 

Deserted and cold were the best words for the old donut place. Part of a larger chain of donut places, there was something about the workplace that rubbed Lars the wrong way. He wasn’t sure what the hell it was, but it wasn’t going to fucking stop him. Looking at it a certain way, Lars figured he’d just run in and take what he needed; maybe even grab a few unsold donuts destined for the garbage bins.   
Frost coated the stairs leading up to the back door. Lars cried out as he nearly fell.

 

Turning his employee key, he quickly disarmed the building alarm. He laughed as he locked the door behind him in the pitch black donut shop. He figured he had the cat in the bag when he slipped from the snow collected in the treads of his shoes. Screaming, Lars went down like a felled tree and banged his head against the floor.

 

He saw and felt no more . . .

 

. . .

 

. . .

 

. . .

 

Until—

 

Head head hurt like a mother fucker! “Oh Jesus Christ!” Lars shouted as he put a hand to the bump on his forehead. He groaned and swore. There was no way he could go to Sadie’s now. He’d be too embarrassed to be seen in public with such a big, angry, red lump on his head.

 

Stumbling like a zombie, Lars shakily got to his feet. Groaning and cursing, he ambled over to the staff lounge. There it was, his phone charger Soon, no longer would he live in fear of the dreaded low red bar. There was something rotten in the state of Denmark. Or in the State of Delmarva. Or Delaware. Or whatever.

 

Somebody was in the donut shop with Lars. He could hear them talking through the rusted metal door that led to the front area. Lars wasn’t sure who it could be, maybe burglars or homeless people; but he knew that the only way out was past that door.

 

Treading quietly, Lars didn’t want to alert the potential thieves. He could overhear what sounded like two of them arguing. “Come on Luke, you gotta let me fuck the bitch!” the first voice was nasal and reedy, like a crackhead.

 

“Jan, you’re such a disgusting sack of shit,” said a more refined, erudite voice, “For starters I don’t want to see my brother _on the job_.

 

Tiptoeing, Lars made his way towards the exit. His heart pounded and his palms grew sweaty. He was only a few steps away from leaving.

 

“Come on Luke!” begged this character, Jan, “The bitch is dead, she wont’ raise any noise! Nobody will know!”

 

The other one, Luke groaned, “I swear, this is why I bought you that flesh light. If you can just wait, we can head to Empire city and just grab a random tourist if it’s so bad for you.”

 

Lars was halfway through the mudroom when he felt a tickle in his sinuses and a sneeze that he couldn’t stop.

 

_Achoo!_

 

And just like that, Lars’s perfect escape was fucked.

 

It was like a light switch, the two burglar/break in guys were on to him. The door to the front area opened up and Lars got a good look at two of the weirdest guys he’d ever seen. One man, dark skinned with multiple piercings looked at him with an evil expression. The other, pale and dressed all in white just frowned at him, while also carrying the dead body of the district manager for The Big Donut.

 

Like a rabbit before a snake, Lars froze; his expression filled with horror as he started into the dead, cold eyes of Ms. Palahniuk. True she was always a cunt and a corporate tool, but seeing her limp and with multiple holes in her neck just did something to him.

 

The pale one, Luke narrowed his eyes at Lars. “So how much did you hear?” he spoke, drawing attention to the stream of blood running down his chin; as if he wasn’t holding a dead, pale body.

 

The darker one, Jan burst out into laughter, “Well fuck my ass and call me Britney! Spider just caught himself a fly, Zed!”

 

Trying to speak for himself, Lars began to slowly back up. “I-uh-I swear I didn’t see anything. You guys were never here.”

 

He bumped into something and a strong arm held him around the waist. Jan yelled into his ear, as if he’d run across the room so fast that Lars’s eyes hadn’t been able to see it. “You got a nice little ass, nigga!” He laughed most unpleasantly, “Be a shame if somebody were to fuck you!” Jan laughed even louder, his breath reeking of rotting meta and fangs peeking from his upper jaw.

 

Luke dropped the dead body of the district manager and zoomed in, too fast for the human eye. With one gloved hand he took Lars’s chin, who whimpered with fear as he stared into Luke’s red, inhuman eyes. “Well obviously we have a witness and we can’t let him but; but I think you’re onto something for once, Jan.”

 

The dark skinned man whooped with glee, “Alright! We’ll double team this little bitch and then drink all his fucking blood!”

 

Luke blanched even more than he already did, his red eyes flashing with irritation. “Jan, that’s absolutely disgusting. There’s now way I’m sharing with you or risking touching your sloppy seconds. Hold him down so that I can go first.”

 

Lars began to cry as the gravity and horror of his situation began to sink in. “Please,” he whimpered, “I have a family, I have girlfriend. You don’t have to do this.”

 

Disdainfully, Luke slapped Lars across the face, earning howls of laughter from Jan and comments about slapping bitches. “We have to kill you to prevent the truth of vampires from coming out,” Luke pontificated, “However, taking out our frustrations on your still warm body is purely optional and you have nothing to offer us to change our minds.”

 

One of Jan’s rough, calloused hands caressed Lars’s neck; pinching him and feeling him up like a farmer picking out a suckling pig for supper. When Jan turned and licked over Lars’s major arteries, the boy shuddered as he felt like his soul wanted to leave his body from revulsion.

 

Once more the dark skinned vampire laughed, “Boy tastes like donuts! For fucking real, Luke! Whoa! It’ll be like fucking and eating a mega sugar maple sprinkle donut!”

 

His brother rolled his eyes, “Shut up, Jan, just hold him down so that I can fuck him. After that you can do whatever you want to him.”

 

There was no warning as Jan pushed Lars forward onto his face. As he tried to run away, he felt a boot come down onto the small of his back. Limbs thrashing, Lars was powerless against the inhuman power of the two vampires. Like a fly in a web, there was no escape for Lars; though this fate was infinitely more cruel.

 

He shrieked when he felt a pair of rough hands grab his loose jeans and start to pull them down. Full on crying, the humiliation was more than he could bear. He bleat like a lamb at the slaughter, “No! No! Please!” One last attempt at seeking humanity in those who had none.

 

He felt a cold breeze over his bottom and he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what was going to happen next. For the first time since he was a little boy, Lars prayed to God and asked to be saved, the hot tears dripping down his face.

 

Somebody was listening.

 

“ _Do you boys like Rick and Morty?_ ” asked a deep, musical voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once. Jan and Luke spun around, hissing and baring their fangs. In their ensuing panic, they let go of Lars, who began to crawl as best he could along the cold tile floor; one of of his hands frantically struggling to pull up his pants and cover himself best he could.

 

Then _he_ showed up.

 

The cackling, maniacal, joker laughter preceded him as he entered the mortal plane. To Lars it looked like Slender Man’s mental cousin jumped out of the shadows to go completely ape shit on these vampire thugs.

 

His long, red coat billowed out behind him like bat wings, his long black hair moved like a living thing and his inhumanly long limbs were extended like a grabbing predator.

 

The newcomer didn’t waste time as he kicked Luke in the balls as hard as he could with his fine leather boots. He laughed like maniac possessed, spraying snot and saliva everywhere. His big, wide, red hat fell off as he punched Jan in the face; a dozen bloody teeth flying out of his mouth in a horizontal line.

 

The psycho stranger grinned from ear to ear, flashing not fangs but rows and rows of shark like teeth. Overfilled with glee, he grabbed Jan by the shirt collar and started pummelling him like he was starting a chainsaw without gas.

 

Luke charged at the inhumanly tall stranger with that vampire speed, but the newcomer was faster. His body dissolved into shadows and reformed behind Luke. Whooping and hollering, the man put Luke into a choke hold and began raining blows into the pale vampire’s torso.

 

Brass coloured claws sprouted from the tips of his white, mickey mouse gloves and he slashed across Jan’s face when he tried to defend his brother. Not pausing for once second, took a gigantic, hungry bite out of Luke’s head. Luke screamed in agony as the man in red ate part of his skull like a fucking apple.

 

It was like watching a train wreck, seeing bit of bone, blood and skull fly everywhere. Lars shivered and watched, even when he should have run like hell. Maybe it was because he knew that he’d never really outrun these two legged crimes against God.

 

Luke shrieked in violation as the tall, non-human shoved a finger into his brain and started feeling around. “How’s this, fuck-o!” he laughed as the pale vampire screamed for mercy.

 

Throwing Luke over him in a judo through, the man used his insanely long legs to lunge at Jan. Grabbing Jan’s crotch in a testicle popping grip, he just looked so damn pleased with himself. “There’s never been a vampire sexier than me!” he bellowed ecstatically. Thrusting his knee up, he hit Jan on the chin and sent him flying backwards into a wall.

 

The man in red pirouetted like a ballerina. “Thank you! Thank you!” he bowed and kissed to an invisible crowd that only he could see. Then with the flourish of a magician on stage, the man in red produced an unknown device from his jacket. Lars couldn’t tell what it was, except that it had a circuit board, part of a cell phone interface, it leaked oil and it was held together with electric tape and staples.

 

Making like a linebacker, the man charged forward and through a wall. Drywall dust flooded the area and its acrid, sooty taste made Lars choke and hack. He was so consumed by coughing a lung up that he didn’t see the man in red activate the detonator on his device and throw it into the donut fryer.

 

It was like the fourth of July as the incendiary bomb detonated inside a vat of fryer oil. The entire inside of the donut shop was sprayed with flaming canola oil. The blast of heat struck Lars like a fist and he stopped coughing long enough to realize that his sneakers were on fire.

 

He was luckier than Luke and Jan. The two vampire brothers screamed and writhed as the stood directly in the blast of weaponized kitchen oil. Each one twisted and thrashed, burning like dry christmas trees in July.

 

Lars kicked off his shoes and started to look for a path to the exit that didn’t involve walking through pools of flaming oil. Then to his utter surprise, the tall vampire in red went tearing out of the flames like a bat out of hell; his jacket and hair on fire and his face and shirt smeared with drywall dust. “You think this hurts? THIS hurts, sweetheart!” he bellowed hysterically as he started punching Luke and Jan.

 

The two vampire brothers screamed even louder as they were burned to death and beaten to a pulp at the same time. The red coated man’s gloves were blackened by fire and smeared with blood as his knuckles got the perfect workout.

 

“That is hurt, darling!” he cackled like an abusive boyfriend, punching Luke’s jaw right off. “That’s pain, schnookums!” he giggled as he punched a hole right through Jan’s chest and out his back.

 

“How’s this, son of mine?” he asked as he kicked Jan’s legs from under him. For a very brief moment, Jan thought that he’d found his long lost father right before the more powerful vampire stomped on his head like a teenager vandalizing a jack-o-lantern.

 

Lars didn’t stay to find out how it ended. It ended with him burning to death inside the big donut. He turned and ran, his feet blistering from the hot tile floor. He was almost at the exit when the man in red teleported right in front of him, stopping Lars from getting to safety.

 

He tried to say something to Lars, but all he did was mumble as he chewed on Luke’s severed head like a dog with a treat; blood and drool ran down his sooty, drywall dust coated chest. Lars screamed as the edges of the man’s jacket rose up like bat wings and wrapped around him.

 

* * *

 

The young boy of Philippine descent screamed as he woke to blackness one more time. “Mom! Dad!” he screamed, “Someone! Help!” he banged on whatever pitch black enclosure held him. Trembling hands went into his pocket, searching for his lighter.

 

A weak flickering flame cast light on Lars’s situation and it was getting darker by the minute. From what he could tell, having seen it in various movies and TV shows, he was in a coffin. Lars had been buried alive.

 

Panicking, Lars started to pound on the lid of the coffin. “Let me out! Someone, please let me out! I'm not dead!” he began to sob and cry uncontrollably.

 

Then like before, his prayers were answered, just not by God.

 

The coffin lid flew open and the bright, harsh light blinded Lars for a moment. In the time that it took his eyes to adjust he fluorescent light, he realized he’d been looking at the crazy vampire who accidentally saved his life and was now probably going to end it.

 

“Hey there,” he said in a not totally friendly voice, “We never got properly introduced last time. Alucard is the name and sexual pleasure is my game.” He flashed Lars what he thought was a winning smile but looked more like something out of a Sam Rami film.

 

Lars looked back up from the coffin, totally frozen; his trembling hand still holding his lighter.

 

Alucard cocked his head, “Well, aren’t you going to say anything back to me?”

 

“Get your junk out of my face!” Lars shouted at Alucard. It wasn’t just that he’d kidnapped Lars and held him against his will inside a fucking coffin, but he was half naked while doing it. In the harsh light, Lars could make out that Alucard was nude from the belt up. His hairy body was grotesquely muscular, with oversized pecs and shredded abs that wouldn’t have looked out of place in _Dragonball Z._

 

Alucard shifted, his tight leather pants doing nothing to hide his boner and his erect pink nipples peeking through his carpet of chest hair. “So, what’s your problem?” he adjusted his stance so that standing over the coffin, Lars got a better look at his hard cock and his tight, muscular ass. These leather pants weren’t exactly comfortable but they did do a good job showing off the parts of the sexiest vampire alive.

 

Lars was appropriately disgusted by the view presented before him. Dropping his lighter he shouted up at the literal sexual predator, “I’m getting the fuck out of here!”

 

Like Harvey Weinstein on a catastrophic acid trip, Alucard had other plans. “Oh no, you don’t, mother fucker!”

 

Suddenly his white gloved hands were all over Lars like big, horny spiders. The boy thrashed, struggled and swore. After being manhandled, groped and forced out of his clothes like a disobedient puppy, Lars got a good look at what he was wearing and shrieked with horror.

 

Sitting in the open coffin, Lars was now wearing nothing but a pair of tight, tight pink panties with a sprig of mistletoe tied over his dick. Other than two nipple pasties shaped like hearts, Lars wasn’t wearing any other stitch of clothing anywhere on his body.

 

Alucard flashed that shark toothed grin once more, deliberately putting his hands on his hips and flexing his muscles. “Now that’s impressive!” he commended the terrified lad, “Look at you, nice firm ass, clean, hairless limbs and those cute floppy ears that are all the latest craze with young people these days.” He sucked in his breath like he’d been talking about a delicious slab of meat instead of a person, “Yes, you’re definitely a looker, son. While you’re here, you can just call me Uncle Touchy.”

 

Alucard guffawed at his own terrible joke, failing to notice the fear and confusion on Lars’s face. “Or if you like, you can call me daddy,” he winked at the boy, causing him to turn green with disgust. “Think about that the next time you see your father in the shower. Now come give Daddy Alucard a kiss, Larsy boy!”

 

Lars did the only sane thing and ran. He jumped out of the coffin and began to run through a spacious, well lit dungeon made of damp stone. There was a large wooden door with no obvious locking mechanism or door handles. Alucard scowled at this.

 

As Lars was about to reach the door to the dungeon, a freakish thing materialized out of the ether.

 

“ _I’m Puppet-Rebeca Sugar_ ,” the thing said. Lars stopped and fell on his ass, mortified by the life sized creepy puppet that looked like it came out of Jim Henson’s worst nightmares.

 

Puppet-Rebeca looked at Lars with plastic eyes while lewdly feeling up her felt vagina. In her free foam hand, she clenched a large, rusty butcher knife.

 

Grabbing him with more strength than something made of foam rubber should be, Puppet-Rebeca stopped feeling up her crotch to grab Lars by the throat. “ _I’m going to butter your bread, honey. I’m going to sit on your face with my big_ _Muppet_ _ass.”_

 

“That’s enough, Becky!” Alucard commanded. “You’ll get your taste only after I’m done with that sweet thing.”

 

Bowing to her dark master, the creature who’d summoned her from the fiery pits of hell, Puppet-Rebeca let Lars go and stepped back.

 

“I don’t want you!” Lars protested, trying to cover himself with his hands; the panties were starting to ride up a lot. “I don’t want either of you, I want to go home!”

 

Alucard laughed at the boy’s emotional anguish, “Why? So you can fuck that fat girl, Sadie? You’re better off without that pasty cumbucket. I swear, she looks like a blob fish with hair.”

 

“Sadie’s my girlfriend!” Lars shouted at Alucard, “Nobody gets to talk about her that way, I don’t care who you are or what you can do!”

 

The master vampire laughed, “Well Laramie, assuming I care what you think; stop and take a moment, take a deep breath. Your parents don’t give a damn about you, as of now they think you’re dead and they’ll have an easier go mourning a dead son than caring for a sack of shit like you. Sadie thinks your dead and I’d give her a day before she finds a new fuck toy. Everyone else in Beach City hates you and thinks you’re full of shit. The Cool Kids laughed at you and think you’re a douchebag; no matter how you spin it, I’m all you’ve got. I’m the only one who can tolerate a miserable cumrag like you and you should get on your damn knees and thank me for it.” He took his belt off and then gave a most lecherous grin, “How come here and show Daddy Alucard that big mouth and fast hands of yours.”

 

Lars pointed a skinny finger at the mad vampire, “You don’t get to touch me! I’m a person, not your boy and you’re not my daddy!”

 

The lad turned around and started banging on the wooden door as Puppet-Rebeca looked on with her ping pong ball eyes. He had to get out he had to get out he had to get . . .

 

* * *

 

Lars woke up in his own bed, naked and screamed. Trembling, he looked over his body and felt everything. He had no cuts, no bruises and nothing broken. Feeling over his ass and crotch; he felt whole and untouched.

 

The phone began to ring and he yelped. It was Sadie calling him. Looking over his phone, he glanced around and saw that his computer had the same porno video on as this morning; the same video of a twink being dominated by a hairy muscle man. It was all the same. Had he really been dreaming?

 

“Sadie!” he nearly shouted into the phone, answering the call.

 

His girlfriend winced on the other line, “Lars, what’s going on?”

 

“Sadie I was—actually it’s nothing,” he managed to slow down, “Uh, how are you? Are we good for dinner with your mom?”

 

“You remembered? I mean, of course you remembered,” she couldn’t hide her shock, “Yeah, my mom still wants you over for dinner. She even made pizza rolls.”

 

The boy could hardly contain his glee, “Yeah I love her fucking pizza rolls. I’ll be there!”

 

Sadie was taken aback. Normally she and Lars brought out the worst in each other, but this day, this day before day before Christmas day he was really giving her what she wanted. “Thanks for remembering, Lars. See you there, Player 2.”

 

“See you there, Player 1,” Lars said goodbye, showing his love in his own way. She hung up and Lars knew that there was no time. His phone was dying, running low on power but he had no interest in getting his charger from the Big Donut.

 

The first thing that Lars did was throw on some underwear before tossing on his customary tight jeans. Next came on his favourite scorpion T-shirt and sneakers. He was almost good to go; he just had to get his jacket.

 

Lars opened the closet and there he saw a tall man in red overcoat and big hat. Alucard grinned at Lars and threw a punch through the coat hangers.

 

The blow completely cleaned Lars’s clock, sending the boy flying backwards and slamming into the desk. Groggily, he spat out one of his front teeth. The head trauma meant that he really didn’t feel all the pain right away, but he felt the fear when Alucard’s twisted mug loomed large over him.

 

“Happy Christmas, cunt!” he jeered at Lars, picking up the boy by the front of his shirt and lifting him off the ground. “Did you have a good sleep? Any good dreams?”

 

Lars could only manage a numb shock, that this living nightmare—Cthulhu’s diarrhea in a human shaped bag—was very much real and not a figment of some fever dream.

 

“Well that’s nice,” Alucard sneered, “I’m happy to hear all of that from you.” Violently, he threw the boy onto the bed and pointed a long, clawed finger in his face. “Because I’ve got a message for you. This year you get a Mulligan from me, but next Christmas and every other Christmas until you die I will find you wherever you are and fuck your ass and face. If you’re eighty and living in a cave on Mars, I’ll find you and make your asshole look like a burrito filled with sour cream.”

 

 

The insane vampire lord trembled with rage and sexual energy as his hair and jacket floated around. “Don’t think of hiding from me, I have control over space and time. I have powers you can’t possibly imagine.” he turned and grabbed his junk, “So Happy Christmas, Laramie Bariga; next year I expect you to be waiting naked for me, bend over a table!”

 

He began to laugh like a hyena on crystal meth as his body dissolved into bats which then dissolved into shadow and fire. Just like that he was gone and Lars knew that he’d gotten a gift that was way worse than coal.

* * *

 

_Epilogue_

 

Lars of the Stars slept in his Captain’s chair. Becoming an undead pink zombie was in hindsight one of the least shitty things to happen to him. If nothing else it gave him command of a group of ragtag rebels on the run from a totalitarian government and allowed him the chance to tool around the galaxy in a top of the line gem cruiser.

 

His calm time was interrupted by Steven Universe and his buddy Connie Maheswaran coming out of the portal in his hair. It was a pain in the ass but he honestly missed those two kids. He appreciated them way more than he had before his death.

 

“Hey, Steven! Connie!” Lars shouted, “Rhodonite figured out how to synthesize tequila, we can all drink and your parents won’t be able to stop you.”

 

Connie looked at him warily but Steven was just full of smiles. “Thanks Lars but Connie and me will do the responsible thing. We came here to drop off a care package from your parents and weapons from the Crystal Gems.”

 

Lars did a fist bump, “Sweet, little guys!”

 

Then a monitor started beeping, and the ship’s grandma caterpillar fusion, Fluorite announced the danger . . . very very slowly. “There’s a . . . ship approaching . . . our vector.”

 

On Screen appeared a gem who looked like she was Cosplaying for Code Geass. “Captain Lars! This time you will truly meet your end!”

 

Lars laughed haughtily at this enemy who’d dogged him across multiple galaxies. “Bring it on, Emerald. You can’t out-think me, you can’t out-fight me or out-drink me! You’d need the devil himself to beat me!” Admittedly all the anime he’d watched over the years was getting to his head.

 

And speak of the devil, a deep, music voice rang out behind Emerald. “Get out of my way!” snapped Alucard as he elbowed the fierce looking gem away. “Lars! Thought that travelling to another galaxy would save you from my wrath and my cock?” demanded the loopy vampire.

 

Steven looked at the insane vampire in his Carmen San Diego outfit, confused. “Lars, who is that guy?”

 

Alucard snapped, answering Steven’s question, “Who am I? Who am I! I’m the greatest vampire who ever lived! I’m the head pimp at Yellow Diamond’s personal Whorehouse; and it’s now my job to deliver Lars of the Queers to her Yellowness!”

 

He jabbed a finger while Lars stood speechless, honestly scared shitless even after all he’d grown and learned. “When I start, I’m going to fuck you until you love me! I’ll video tape the whole thing and send your parents a copy, along with a lock of your hair and a set of cum stained panties! Finally you’ll be albel to feel every night Yellow Diamond’s python sized tongue up your ass!”

 

“He’s the guy who molested me last Christmas,” Lars said, nearly on the verge of tears.

 

The tiny defective seer Padparadscha stepped in front of Lars, wrapping her tiny arms around him. “I’ve had a vision where Lars is threatened by a rapist. I will defend him with my life!”

 

Steven and Connie hugged Lars as well, “You fuck off, you two-faced mutant!” Connie yelled, “Go back to sparkling in the sun or whatever the fuck it is you do!”

 

Alucard’s eyes widened as he realized they went there, “You will all pay with your asses!” before Emerald punched him in the face and knocked him off camera.

 

“Stop stealing my spotlight, you fucking deviant!” Emerald snarled. She glared at Lars and his little friends. “Give up now, Lars of the Stars; or I’ll screw you, kill you and bring you back. I’ll do it over and over until you love me!”

 

Was Lars afraid? Oh fuck yes, he was. But he wasn’t about to take any of of it lying down. “Let’s dance,” he said to both Alucard and Emerald.

**Author's Note:**

> My version of Alucard barely has anything to do with canon Alucard created by Kohta Hirano. I've gone to great and deliberate lengths to portray him as a violent sexual predator with the maturity of a twelve year old. 
> 
> If you like that, please leave a kudos and a comment :) 
> 
> Also Happy Holidays!


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